Understanding codependency: what can help
Codependency is a term which first appeared in the 1940s and grew popular in the 1960-1970s in the alcoholics anonymous (AA) movement. It was originally used to describe an unhealthy relationship pattern, where one partner, the “codependent”, gave up their own sense of self to their partner and, without realising it, they helped to keep their partner’s addictive behaviours going. Today codependence applies more broadly to problematic relationships where addiction may or may not be a factor. It is a term used by mental health practitioners to describe a very common and complex problem, where clients become enmeshed or detached in relationships in unhealthy ways, or where they put everybody else’s needs ahead of their own.
Researchers Bacon et al. (2018) have outlined how codependence feels for clients seeking help…
Codependence is a real and tangible experience, which can help to explain why partners behave in ways that are unhealthy.
It is usually characterised by feeling like a chameleon – always blending to fit in with other people and not having a strong sense of self.
It can manifest in see-sawing behaviours, or being emotionally unbalanced.
It is often the result of an upbringing where a parent was emotionally unavailable and there was a lot of parental control or criticism.
Codependence is real, and can be debilitating over time.
According to Pia Mellody (2003), one of the original proponents of codependency, there are five key symptoms of codependence.
1. Inappropriate levels of self-esteem.
People who are codependent usually sit at the beginning or the end of the spectrum for self-esteem. On the one hand, they have little or no self-esteem and believe they are worth less than others. On the other hand, a codependent person may feel superior to others, and come across as being arrogant.
Often codependents look outside of themselves for esteem – valuing how they look, how much money they make, having a high-powered job or doing well academically.
2. Inappropriate boundaries
Codependents may have issues with setting appropriate boundaries, allowing people to cross their personal space physically or sexually, or taking responsibility for other people’s thoughts, feelings and behaviours. Or they might put up walls and not let anyone get close to them.
3. The inability to form a sense of self which is independent from their partner
Codependents often have difficulty with a sense of their own reality. For example, they may be unaware of their behaviour and the impact it can have on other people. They may have trouble owning their feelings or sharing their thoughts.
4. The inability to express wants and needs
As a result of how they were parented, codependents may have trouble helping others with physical or emotional needs or asking for help with their own. They may have had all of their needs met in childhood, and they expect their partner to be the same way. Or they may have been admonished for asking for things when they were young, and are subsequently “needless and wantless” and react inappropriately to the offer of help or nurturing from others.
5. Difficulty with moderation
Codependents tend to be either extremely involved in their partner’s life, or extremely detached from it. They also think in terms of good or bad, right or wrong and black and white. It is hard for them to find the middle ground.
Working with CounsellingCo in an empathetic and supportive environment is the best way to work through codependency. Here are some of the focus areas which can help to alleviate the pain of codependence:
1. Working on self-esteem and how to esteem from within.
2. Reconnecting with a sense of self and an independent identity.
3. Setting healthy boundaries.
4. Being able to be appropriately vulnerable while protecting yourself from harm
5. Recognising that making mistakes and being imperfect is part of a healthy human experience
6. Being responsible for your own self-care
7. Practising reflection to build self-awareness
Codependents anonymous is a 12-step organisation where peer support is available. For more information contact https://www.codependentsanonymous.org.au/ .
Or to work with me directly, call 0434 423 745. I have some availability right now, but please don’t delay as my calendar is filling up quickly.
References:
Bacon, I., McKay, E., Reynolds, F., & McIntyre, A. (2018). The lived experience of codependency: An interpretative phenomenological analysis. International Journal of Mental Health and Addiction, (18), 754-771. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11469-018-9983-8
Mellody, P. With Wells Miller, A., & Miller, J. K. (2003). Facing codependence: What it is, where it comes from, how it sabotages our lives (2nd ed.). Harper Collins. https://www.harpercollins.com/products/facing-codependence-pia-mellodyandrea-wells-millerj-keith-miller